I’m going to make a little break in my regular columnist posts to do a bit of personal ranting about my life.
The past month or so I’ve been freaking out a lot about moving back to Sweden. Not because I don’t want to, just because I’m uprooting myself once more, stowing away my life in Canada over the past 2 and a half years and acting like that is ok and I’ll be fine starting over from square one. But square one is a scary, uncertain place to be. Even though I have a beautiful home lined up and a small handful of people I love dearly and have known for a long time, I still don’t know if I got accepted into the courses I need to complement with to get into university next spring, I still don’t know how hard it will be to find a part-time job, or manage my time and money, and find new and exciting people to develop friendships with.
For the longest time I’ve had the feeling that I am of no country. Though I am “fluent” in both English and Swedish, I’m not fully sufficient in either. I’m used to the Canadian cuisine now but it took a little while, there’s still a lot of Swedish food I miss but I bet I’ll get a hankering for poutine soon as I set foot in Stockholm. I forgot what day was Sweden’s National Day and then asked “what’s happening on July 1st?” I was met by laughter. I get reminded daily that I’m not a Canadian but I’ve tried so hard to chameleonize my way into the life here. Yet when I get back to Sweden I will be met by the same curiosity. “Oooh where’s your name from? What, you’ve lived in Canada for 3 years? What was it like?” My strange first name has already previously made people assume I’m not from Sweden, though I’m born and raised there by Swedish parents. I guess my brunette hair and dark eyes don’t really help the traditional Swedish look.
It’s just… I’d like to fit in sometime. But I guess with my original upbringing and weird little life story that is something that can’t be achieved by now. And the grass is always greener on the other side right? I bet if I did fit in I’d want to be different and exciting. Ah well.
Besides this whole Sweden vs. Canada theme in my life, my computer finally responded to my horrible treatment of him and went into a coma for 3 days. My boyfriend and a friend of ours had to come to the rescue and they finally reinstalled the whole system. So a clean start from square one even with my computer. It’s a funny coincidence. I also started performing at a tiny local bars open mic on Wednesdays and it was fun last night, though I ended up blanking on part of the events, a little too much drink in me perhaps. And I’ve been rereading a book that I read a long time ago and I still love it just as much, the first in a series of 7 called the “Foundation” by Isaac Asimov. Very good author, very good book-series. And finally, a constant theme the past week or two is I’m always tired. Always. I don’t know why, some nights I get sufficient sleep, some I’m bad to myself and only get between 4 and 6 hours. But when I do get enough sleep I wake up still extremely tired and just want to go back to sleep. I hope this will change soon.
Now I’m going to do something that does not require brainpower. I hope this counts as a blog post because it’s kind of just ranting and not very specific. But at least it’s a small update as to what is happening in my life and not just “what I think about this random thing”.