Ranting I

I’m going to make a little break in my regular columnist posts to do a bit of personal ranting about my life.

The past month or so I’ve been freaking out a lot about moving back to Sweden. Not because I don’t want to, just because I’m uprooting myself once more, stowing away my life in Canada over the past 2 and a half years and acting like that is ok and I’ll be fine starting over from square one. But square one is a scary, uncertain place to be. Even though I have a beautiful home lined up and a small handful of people I love dearly and have known for a long time, I still don’t know if I got accepted into the courses I need to complement with to get into university next spring, I still don’t know how hard it will be to find a part-time job, or manage my time and money, and find new and exciting people to develop friendships with.

For the longest time I’ve had the feeling that I am of no country. Though I am “fluent” in both English and Swedish, I’m not fully sufficient in either. I’m used to the Canadian cuisine now but it took a little while, there’s still a lot of Swedish food I miss but I bet I’ll get a hankering for poutine soon as I set foot in Stockholm. I forgot what day was Sweden’s National Day and then asked “what’s happening on July 1st?” I was met by laughter. I get reminded daily that I’m not a Canadian but I’ve tried so hard to chameleonize my way into the life here. Yet when I get back to Sweden I will be met by the same curiosity. “Oooh where’s your name from? What, you’ve lived in Canada for 3 years? What was it like?” My strange first name has already previously made people assume I’m not from Sweden, though I’m born and raised there by Swedish parents. I guess my brunette hair and dark eyes don’t really help the traditional Swedish look.

It’s just… I’d like to fit in sometime. But I guess with my original upbringing and weird little life story that is something that can’t be achieved by now. And the grass is always greener on the other side right? I bet if I did fit in I’d want to be different and exciting. Ah well.

Besides this whole Sweden vs. Canada theme in my life, my computer finally responded to my horrible treatment of him and went into a coma for 3 days. My boyfriend and a friend of ours had to come to the rescue and they finally reinstalled the whole system. So a clean start from square one even with my computer. It’s a funny coincidence. I also started performing at a tiny local bars open mic on Wednesdays and it was fun last night, though I ended up blanking on part of the events, a little too much drink in me perhaps. And I’ve been rereading a book that I read a long time ago and I still love it just as much, the first in a series of 7 called the “Foundation” by Isaac Asimov. Very good author, very good book-series. And finally, a constant theme the past week or two is I’m always tired. Always. I don’t know why, some nights I get sufficient sleep, some I’m bad to myself and only get between 4 and 6 hours. But when I do get enough sleep I wake up still extremely tired and just want to go back to sleep. I hope this will change soon.

Now I’m going to do something that does not require brainpower. I hope this counts as a blog post because it’s kind of just ranting and not very specific. But at least it’s a small update as to what is happening in my life and not just “what I think about this random thing”.


7 thoughts on “Ranting I

  1. Sorry to hear about your troubles. I have moved around quite a bit myself, but never from continent to continent. The sleep thing is something to which I can definitely relate, but in your case I’m sure it’s just the stress of all the upcoming change in your life.
    At any rate, I hope you don’t stop writing. To lose you in that regard would be a terrible shame.

  2. Sarah… you fit in my heart too! Loves!

    Jimsomniac; I’m sure every person who goes through a little bit of stress in their life gets their sleeping-pattern affected. Not like insomnia, more like temporary mess. My troubles are after all just exciting change and as a regular human dealing with a lot of change at once can be seen as something very negative, but in the end I will surely be brimming with joy over what new things come into my life from this. Seeing the end of anything, even though there might have been sad times as a part of this anything, is never a soothing or happy experience.

    And speaking of writing, I haven’t seen a post from you in some time! 🙂

    1. Jolly good. Let me know how everything goes, and good luck with the move.
      Regarding my posts: I’m trying out a regular schedule at the moment, so they will usually appear once a week, on Sunday afternoons. Not sure how long that will last. I’m already finding it difficult to be honest; I wrote this weeks blog about 5 days ago, and I keep finding other things I want to write about.

      1. So what’s the point with making yourself write less? Creating more time in your life for other things or a strange kind of masochism? 😀 Because if I had to stop myself from writing and just write at a certain time I would probably go nuts.

  3. Min lilla söta Amki! Jag förstår att det är mycket som händer i ditt liv och det vore konstigt om det inte yttrade sig på något sätt. Jag tror att det snart kommer kännas bättre igen när saker börjar falla på plats igen. Jag längtar till att krama och pussa på dig igen! ❤

    1. Ja saker kommer säkerligen bli bättre, och antagligen snart. Det är något på gång :p Önskar du vore här så vi kunde prata om det och jag kan se vad du tänker om det hela. Men det får jag väl höra i efterhand 🙂 Om något faktiskt händer. Nåväl. En månad kvar till Sverrriiigeeee! *massor med kramar och supergosningar*

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