A Glimpse into my Mind

I think we all know the saying “a picture says more than a thousand words”. I don’t think this saying is entirely true. What if the picture is kind of blank, bland and without context to us? Then the picture could say less than a word, something easily proven by how impossible it is to describe this picture. The same could be said for some amazing pictures, that hold so many words and such an intricacy that we can’t even explain what we see and experience to the person standing right next to us viewing that same picture. When I visited the Fotografiska – as I mentioned briefly in my latest post – there were tons of pictures. A lot for the mind to process in a few short hours. I left with a feeling of mental exhaustion yet contentment.

So, with my shitty phone-camera, I wanted to show you A) two pictures that I took today, one just outside a subway entrance and one just inside;

I have a dirty mind. If you do not childishly snicker at this, the name of a "Scottish" pub in Stockholm, then your mind is a purer one than mine.

 

 

 

and just a few steps away from "half way inn"...

And b) a picture that I took a while back. In spite of my horribly dirty mind, I can still see pretty things like these;

I know they just look like clouds to you, but when I saw them they were three almost symmetrical stripes across the horizon, and really fascinating.

 

So if the first two pictures tell you that I am a disgusting person with a perverted sense of humour – and I’m not saying I’m not -, who am I combined with the following picture (it was supposed to be two but for some reason the second picture never wanted to work)? Sometimes it’s not the pictures that say a lot, it’s our own minds, judgement and even prejudice if you will, that turns the picture into some sort of sentence or thought. Facebook is – sadly – a good example for this. I am quick to judge. If I see a girl who has taken one of those pictures… well you know, the “angledfromabovetomakemyboobslookbiggerandwaistsmallerandeyeshugeandi’veobviouslytakenitmyselfinthebathroomihopei’llgetcompliments”. One of those. And then uses it as a profile-picture. Well if I see that, I will instantly assume that a) this girl is a bit of a sl*t and b) she has no self-confidence because she needs people to reaffirm how great she looks all the time, mainly guys or her female friends who all have the same kind of pictures up. Now, this might not be true at all. This girl might, if I ever meet her, turn out to be a very deep, self-assured, happy and generally awesome human being. But because of that picture, I will undoubtedly make that judgement about her character. Same with middle-aged women who post either pictures of their cute pets or their kids, or at best, a picture of themselves when they were five. I instantly assume that this lady is ashamed of how she looks like now – especially with all the young teen-girl taking those ^ pictures – and so they display something else, in hope to avoid judgement. Or so I think. When in fact this woman might just love her pet or her kids and want to show them to the world, or got a bit nostalgic over their childhood and wanted to share that with her friends. Yet there I go again, judging.

So yes, pictures might say a thousand words or more or none at all. But at the end of the day, when it comes to pictures it’s the same as with relationships; it takes two to tango. The person who has chosen to show the picture to the world, and what lies in the eye of the beholder.

Special Edition

I think we all know why this is a special edition. Because I haven’t written a blogpost in ages. And I feel horribly guilty about it. I know I know, life gets busy sometimes and that’s a great excuse, but when your blog is only words and ranting it’s not that much of a bloody effort to sit down for a half hour every once in a while and post something remotely interesting. But to make up for this cold-hearted lack of posts for the past two weeks almost, I shall write about a TON of stuff in this post. BE WARNED!!!!!

Why Life got Terribly Busy all of a Sudden

First off, I have no good explanation for why I capitalized that title so randomly. It just looked right. Anyway, for those of ye who do not knowe, I started studying three courses at high-school level the 8th of this month. I am doing this to make up for grades that I don’t have because I was home-schooled and I only have an American high-school diploma and not a Swedish one so there are certain things I need to complement my studies with in order to get into the university here. So I’m taking English B (which is like second degree English for high-school students), Swedish A (which is first degree Swedish for high-school students, you are getting this!) and International Relations (which most high-school students don’t take because that would be like an elective or something). On top of all these studies (of which Swedish and International Relations are both proving tricky and head-ache inspiring) I now also have a job. This is how that happened;

I went to Fotografiska (which is like a huge art-gallery for photographic art in Stockholm) with Daniel, Jessica, Tilda and one of Daniel and Jessica’s friends. On the way to meeting up with us at the subway Jessica noticed a sign in the window of this quaint sushi-place, announcing that they needed new staff-members immediately and to apply inside. It just so happened that I needed a job, and Jessica insisted I should apply there, to which I agreed heartily. The thing was, after the Fotografiska – which was really awesome, and if you come to Stockholm to visit and there’s a good exhibition on at the time we are so going! –  we met up with some more friends and went for a few beers at a nice pub a short walk away. Now, I hadn’t really eaten much that day. “Not much” means like one fruit and a small bowl of yoghurt. So understandably, drinking at the pace I do and the beer being 8%, I was mildly tipsy after two of them. So when we had happily waved good-bye – the “us” and “we” in this story being mostly me and Tilda – and I had promised Jessica I’d go apply for that job right away, I turned to Tilda. “I’m kinda tipsy. I don’t think it’s the best idea that I apply for a job in this state” I admitted sheepishly. “One really can’t notice that you are tipsy” Tilda responded, and this reassured I went on my merry way into the sushi-place and onto greater things. Greeting me was a short blonde girl, very Swedish-looking in appearance. “What can I do for you?”  she asked in a sloppy, disinterested manner. “I saw that you were looking to hire people” I reply, all of a sudden more humble and unsure of myself. “Wait a second, I’ll get brmrgl”. No, she didn’t say that, but I couldn’t catch the name. So out comes brmrgl, this short, adorable looking Japanese girl, who after taking my name and phone-number – and I ask her to write down her name, which is Mafune, not brmrgl –  instantly calls her boss and starts up a brief, lightning-fast conversation with him in Japanese. It was all “Hai! Hai! Hai! Wakarimasta!” and then she turns around and asks if I can start the following day. I said yes. I skip and jump for joy all the way home. Poor tired Tilda cannot create enough excitement to join in my celebration.

Now I’ve been working two shifts there and tomorrow is my third. It’s inconsistent there, slow for hours, fast-paced during some. The waitresses are nice but mostly bland and just talk crap about everything. One of them seems a little racist. I don’t like that. But well, because of this job and the courses I’m taking on top of just having moved into this place, life has gotten more busy than it used to be.

How to remove a spider from your home without hurting it;

You will need;

  1. something thin and stiff, like cardboard ripped from a milk-carton or cereal.
  2. a glass or jar, fairly big, just in case the spider is big, so you don’t squish any legs.
  3. a small amount of guts, in case the spider gets out.
  4. fairly quick reflexes to undertake the action required.
  5. preferably someone to open doors for you (this is optional).

What to do; first, notice the spider. The spider will have to be of a fairly considerable size for you to a) notice it and b) get so uncomfortable that you do not want it in your house. Then, if you do not have the required objects at hand, gather them quickly while keeping on eye on the above mentioned spider’s position. If you are not very brave and have a very strong dislike for spiders but hate hurting things, you might want to be standing on an elevated surface and carefully direct a friend or family-member as to how the disposal of the spider should proceed in a high-pitched and panicked tone of voice. Should it still be you carrying out this task, quickly place the glass upside down over the spider. It is now trapped but unharmed. (Unless you managed to put the rim of the glass down on the spider’s legs or body, in which case you did not have the reflexes necessary for carrying out this task. Proceed to page 124, “How to bury a spider that you killed accidentally while trying to save it”). If the spider however is still unharmed at this stage, carefully slip the piece of thin cardboard or other flat and hard paraphernalia under the glass. It should now look something like this;

The only thing remaining to do is to gingerly but swiftly move the entire spider-cage to a location outdoors and at a safe distance from your house. Then hastily remove the glass and retreat. (If the spider has clung to the glass you might just want to tip the glass over and then run). Once you can be sure that the spider is nowhere near the vicinity of the glass or carton-scrap, bring them inside and keep them in a safe and accessible place for your next spider-rescue mission.7

How not to take care of an ant-problem in the bathroom;

You will need;

  1. hour of day later than 10pm, preferably just as you get home and you are really tired
  2. bathroom-floor
  3. large pot with large plant that we can assume houses ant-hill
  4. wet dishcloth

What to do; first, enter your apartment. This will have to be at a late hour so that you are sure to be exhausted and ready to just fall into bed. Turn on the bathroom-light. Discover between 20-30 ants scattered over bathroom-floor, sometimes trickling out into hallway and further into kitchen. Curse loudly, in several languages if possible. Grab cloth from under bathroom-zink. Wet under tap in bathroom-zink. Apply the cloth to any ant that you are able to spot. The ant should now a) get stuck in the cloth and/or b) get squished by the cloth. Continually dab your way across the floors and lower walls, rinsing the cloth as it gets too full of ants and then continuing this process until no more ants can be spotted. Do not consider removing the plant from within the bathroom to an outdoor area where the ants will not be such a bother to you. Grumble about this and then go to bed to repeat this episode later when you get up to pee. Repeat 1-2 times as necessary during night.

Special Notes for Certain Readers

Sarahsmmmm; I am very sorry that I didn’t make you a guest-post. I have an honest and really stupid explanation. When I got your e-mail, I only read it down to where you signed it with your name. About a week later I wondered why you hadn’t invited me to write a guest-post. A few days later yet I went back to read your e-mail in an attempt to answer it, upon which I noticed the detailed instructions on how to help contribute with a guest-post to your blog, right after your name was signed in the e-mail. Yes, I felt like the embodiment of the r-word. But I love you. So in order to somehow make up for this, I am encouraging all other readers to click on this link and go read Sarah’s blog. She inspired me to do something like this. She is really f-ing awesome at blogging and will probably make you want to blog more, unless you already blog more, in which case she’ll make you want to blog the most. Srsly. Go read it.

Patches; I don’t know if you got my post-card yet but I hope you did. I’m sorry I didn’t send one earlier, and that I’ve been horrible at keeping in touch. I’m sorry that I haven’t checked your blog of late. Please send me a link so I can find it again because remember when we tried to google your blog and didn’t find it? Yeah. That’s right. Also, please say hi to my sausage-friend. I know what that looks like to some people, but I will let their minds remain in the gutter. *hugs*!!!!

Sierra-bean; I’m sorry I didn’t read your blog before you pointed out its existence the other day. In fact, I thought your only blog was the poetry-blog, I hadn’t noticed that you had a personal blog all of your own. I’ve read two posts so far now. I’m also sorry that I haven’t replied to your facebook-message yet. But I will, maybe this weekend. And I hope to get something in the mail soon, it isn’t here yet 🙂 *love*!

English-friend; I haven’t heard about your life in a while. How do the aliens fare? How’s Richard? And the little ones? I haven’t read your very latest post yet (I don’t think) because I like having some time on my hands to read them to make sure I can comment on anything of interest to me. Also, I don’t think there are Japanese vampires. Especially not ones that would use garlic as a decorative touch in their restaurant. So I think I’m fairly safe, for now, unless there are other super-natural beings there.

Everyone else; (Like Jessica, Tilda and any other awesome people who actually take the time to read my blog every once in a while) thank you. It makes me happy to know that someone reads this and thinks it’s sort of good 🙂

Shiny and New

I know I write a lot about new things and changes. The reason why is simple. My life the past month or two has consisted of new things and changes. And like most other bloggers, I write about what mostly affects me in my life right now. So here’s some more of the above mentioned.

 

Remain

I love this place. At first when I stepped inside my newly acquired humble abode, it was empty, echoey, blank and bland. Slowly the space is getting filled, first with visions, then the physical manifestation of these visions. My flat-mate and very good friend and I seem to have the same ideas for the common rooms. French farm-style in the kitchen, Chinese in the hallway, Moroccan in the living-room, tons of lights and plants on the balcony. The half-bath is becoming Japanese, the bathroom itself fresh and contemporary and chrome and shades of blue and green. My bedroom will turn into something I have long wished for; a cloud. An oasis for thought and peace. White upon white in numerous shades, thin fabrics, fluffy blankets and pillows, pictures in black and white. But all in time. First we need someone to come here and repaint the walls. Before that I need to call this person. Before that I need to find the time and remember to do so… This has been what my life has looked like for a little over two weeks. Endless to-do-lists. One thing gets done, another thing gets added to the list. I really should make a physical list this time because for once there are so many things I barely have room for them in my head! But one day, our little home which is now still rather bare and incomplete, will get turned into a magical wonderland of culture and style, ensuring that whosoever enters will leave thoroughly confused and bewildered about where they have been.

Do

Of the hair kind. Once upon a time I had never done more to my hair than trim it every few months. Last year in the fall I started off gently; first a nice sort of red, then taking a step further and moving towards the blond but never quite reaching it, then dark-brown to counteract that though that faded rather quickly, leaving room for roots and then some lighter hair where the blond still would not give up. A few months back, after about half a flask of tequila and a lot of convincing my lovely friend Sarah to take a pair of scissors to my head, my hair got a lot shorter than it’s been since I was probably 3. The bob-cut with bangs that I had been dying to try for years and years was finally mine! Upon returning to the Swede-land and growing tired of my lighter tips, it’s now a solid dark-brown, and will probably stay that way until the tips of my hair give up and I win the war. There is also the matter of clothes. I gave away as much as I possibly could when I left Canada, knowing I couldn’t possibly bring all that on the plane and hoping that someone would love my clothes and knick-knacks the way I had (well I loved them but I certainly didn’t take good care of them!). To my great dismay, 4 large sacks of my wardrobe from years ago awaited me upon landing. So after going through that and discarding of nearly half, I am now wearing the clothes that I didn’t have much time to wear before I moved to Canada, and so despite how long ago I got them, seem new to me. The “white-period” will have to come at a later time.

Learn

Oh gosh where to start! Being home-schooled (or unschooled if you will) I never truly learnt to learn in the way that people normally learn. I just absorbed information or went out to hunt for it. I was never asked to sit down and shove information into my brain in an ordered manner. Well, if we don’t count the time that I took a beginners course in Chinese, or when Phil so kindly agreed to teach me some French. But now! Books upon books especially written to help me study things, teachers demanding things handed in before deadlines, the books I need not coming to me so easily, the teachers not being so organised or clear on what they require, me writing e-mail upon e-mail to get to my books and my teachers… ah. What can I say. It is both a frustrating, exasperating experience and some of the most fun I’ve had in my life! I feel so challenged, so invigorated with this whole new thing! I actually enjoy doing the school-work and the exercises, I love doing them well and handing them in on time and doing my utmost to reach whatever goal is set, and pass it if I may. I am so scared that I will fail or not do good enough, so worried that my lack of book will be frowned upon by the teachers, so worried that my classmates will find me dreary or high-brow, and that my preconceived knowledge in both English and Swedish will make them hate me for taking the courses at all. I already got to correct the English-teacher on how to spell “tires” (actually he asked me to write it with a “y” on the board since he was convinced it was supposed to be a “y” so I just got up and did it, knowing that it was wrong. And then he got to figure it out for himself afterwards. It gave me great satisfaction to know I was right and yet not throw it in his face. I mean I totally could have but I resisted the evil temptation!). I have great hopes and fears regarding this my education. Only time will tell.

Be

I am learning to be with myself again. And with friends. And new friends. And strangers. Mostly, I am learning how to be alone and be fine with being alone, and be fine with being with others too. I am getting more at peace with life in general, not because life is peaceful but because I focus on the sensation of peace. I get happy over the little things, and when I feel the sadness welling up inside I stop myself and start focusing on something else. I won’t pretend I don’t get stressed, or sad, or angry, or frustrated. All of this things I experience on a daily basis. I just think I’m getting more conscious about them, and this in turn helps me handle them better. I am also slowly diminishing my judgement of others, and learning that there are so many ways to live, not only isn’t there a right way, there isn’t a wrong way either. Of course there are still some basic things that appal me or upset me, but after the initial sensation I try to stop myself and consider what it would be like if I’d been in that persons shoes. If I find that the answer is I would never under any circumstances be in those shoes, even if they were cleaner or say, yellow, then I will probably go ahead and judge, or at least have negative feelings regarding whatever action or word the person has uttered which previously upset me. But in most cases I realise, there is no possible way I could judge, not when being human is to err, and we only learn from our mistakes, and that what one person might see as a crime or betrayal another just sees as an inevitable part of life. Above all, I am very slowly, hesitantly, softly… moving towards forgiving myself for my mistakes, and understanding that certain things are not wrong, and that if something feels right then that’s probably because it is. And I’m being more ok with not being perfect for every second that goes.

What about you? How do you feel about your home and surroundings right now? Have you made some positive changes to your demeanour that makes you feel different? Are you learning something new that you’d like to share? Are you being kinder to yourself?

Solitaire

This post is sort of about being single. I don’t know a lot about it but what I know or think I know I am now about to share.

After a break up.

Being single after a break up can either be a relief if the relationship was bad or the worst thing in the world if it was good. Either way it’s mildly confusing and very unstable ground. One second you enjoy your freedom, the next you yearn after whatever you shared with that person in the good times. Nostalgia is a very frequent visitor in these early days, making sure you doubt every decision you made, all the way from getting together to breaking up. It makes you think about your former partner in a number of different ways, how wonderful they were so you should get back together but then all the bad sides, and why you’re better of on your own. Then the self-doubt. How can you make it on your own, isn’t a mediocre or slightly depressive relationship better than none at all, what if the other is happier on their own, is that because you were not enough, could have done better, could have been more? The first few days, weeks, sometimes months after a break up are certainly very analytical, of yourself, your ex and your entire relationship.

Healing.

If your relationship was even remotely serious at any point, a break up is in most cases almost like an amputation. You lose a part of yourself and proceed to crawl around on the ground like a wounded animal, focused on the missing part with every breath and thought. Then comes the day – or night – when something changes inside you and you realise you can actually make it without that part. And though your arm, leg, whatever else it might have been, was quite unhealthy, it wasn’t all bad. Losing it was a relief but having it was still good. You can now start looking back with less regrets, anger, resentment, bewilderment. You can possibly even forgive yourself and the other for what was said and done. You are no longer necessities in each others lives and so if you stay in touch that’s for the joy of communication and interaction more so than the need and reassurance of the other being there.

Amki’s list of things that will help you heal;

  • Not thinking too too goddamn much about the other person, no matter how hard this is.
  • Spending lots of time with friends and out of your house. (This will in turn help with the above mentioned point but also help you think about the other awesome people in your life).
  • Picking up a new hobby. This might sound cliché but if you think about it, doing something you never used to do with your ex certainly helps.
  • Looking at old pictures/reading old diaries. Pre-the-other-person. To remember what your life was like before, and focus on a time in your past when you were single.
  • Doing couply things on your own. Like going to the movies, eating out, taking a stroll etc. It will help you realise that these things are still enjoyable without someone else there.
  • Getting a pet. Sometimes the urge to love someone becomes very strong, and having a pet there to splurge your affection on is just the right thing. Just don’t marry it.
  • Meeting new people. NO. I didn’t say “dating new people”. I really meant meeting people, like making friends. This way you will have a new and awesome friendship, where this person won’t discuss your ex or even know who they are. It’s a blank page for more funsy-times. (I’ve yet to make new friends since I got back to Sweden).
  • Pampering yourself. Having nice hot baths, massive dinners and lots of time to sleep in actually helps. You’ll feel more relaxed and at peace with being to yourself.
  • Reading. When I read I disappear into another world for as long as my eyes are glued to the page. And in this other world there is no you, past or ex.

The Next Step.

I can’t really write much about this one. I mean obviously either you stay single or you start dating someone else. I don’t really see that as a step though because well then you are just single naturally and you don’t focus on being single any more. Of course you might be the type that desperately seeks for someone to fill the void of your previous relationship. That totally sucks. Not only for this new interest but also for yourself. Because if you do it that way you’re just trying to tell yourself you are over someone that you might not be. Give yourself space and time to make sure you are truly done before you dive into something new or you will just regret it. If you are uncomfortable with being on your own,  there are lots of alternatives to the dashing-right-back-out-into-the-dating-game. In fact being uncomfortable with your own company is probably a good sign of that you are not ready to be with someone else. If you don’t stand you, why do you expect someone else to? I don’t pretend to have inner peace (please! hah!) but I can enjoy afternoons or days with just myself. I LOVE going to the movies on my own, or exploring the city, or just having that strange, lonely freedom which is known as not asking someone else what ought to be the next step.

Your turn. What do you guys think is good help to heal the break-up wounds? What should you avoid in a break-up? What do you enjoy about being single? What sucks about it?