This post is sort of about being single. I don’t know a lot about it but what I know or think I know I am now about to share.
After a break up.
Being single after a break up can either be a relief if the relationship was bad or the worst thing in the world if it was good. Either way it’s mildly confusing and very unstable ground. One second you enjoy your freedom, the next you yearn after whatever you shared with that person in the good times. Nostalgia is a very frequent visitor in these early days, making sure you doubt every decision you made, all the way from getting together to breaking up. It makes you think about your former partner in a number of different ways, how wonderful they were so you should get back together but then all the bad sides, and why you’re better of on your own. Then the self-doubt. How can you make it on your own, isn’t a mediocre or slightly depressive relationship better than none at all, what if the other is happier on their own, is that because you were not enough, could have done better, could have been more? The first few days, weeks, sometimes months after a break up are certainly very analytical, of yourself, your ex and your entire relationship.
If your relationship was even remotely serious at any point, a break up is in most cases almost like an amputation. You lose a part of yourself and proceed to crawl around on the ground like a wounded animal, focused on the missing part with every breath and thought. Then comes the day – or night – when something changes inside you and you realise you can actually make it without that part. And though your arm, leg, whatever else it might have been, was quite unhealthy, it wasn’t all bad. Losing it was a relief but having it was still good. You can now start looking back with less regrets, anger, resentment, bewilderment. You can possibly even forgive yourself and the other for what was said and done. You are no longer necessities in each others lives and so if you stay in touch that’s for the joy of communication and interaction more so than the need and reassurance of the other being there.
Amki’s list of things that will help you heal;
- Not thinking too too goddamn much about the other person, no matter how hard this is.
- Spending lots of time with friends and out of your house. (This will in turn help with the above mentioned point but also help you think about the other awesome people in your life).
- Picking up a new hobby. This might sound cliché but if you think about it, doing something you never used to do with your ex certainly helps.
- Looking at old pictures/reading old diaries. Pre-the-other-person. To remember what your life was like before, and focus on a time in your past when you were single.
- Doing couply things on your own. Like going to the movies, eating out, taking a stroll etc. It will help you realise that these things are still enjoyable without someone else there.
- Getting a pet. Sometimes the urge to love someone becomes very strong, and having a pet there to splurge your affection on is just the right thing. Just don’t marry it.
- Meeting new people. NO. I didn’t say “dating new people”. I really meant meeting people, like making friends. This way you will have a new and awesome friendship, where this person won’t discuss your ex or even know who they are. It’s a blank page for more funsy-times. (I’ve yet to make new friends since I got back to Sweden).
- Pampering yourself. Having nice hot baths, massive dinners and lots of time to sleep in actually helps. You’ll feel more relaxed and at peace with being to yourself.
- Reading. When I read I disappear into another world for as long as my eyes are glued to the page. And in this other world there is no you, past or ex.
The Next Step.
I can’t really write much about this one. I mean obviously either you stay single or you start dating someone else. I don’t really see that as a step though because well then you are just single naturally and you don’t focus on being single any more. Of course you might be the type that desperately seeks for someone to fill the void of your previous relationship. That totally sucks. Not only for this new interest but also for yourself. Because if you do it that way you’re just trying to tell yourself you are over someone that you might not be. Give yourself space and time to make sure you are truly done before you dive into something new or you will just regret it. If you are uncomfortable with being on your own, there are lots of alternatives to the dashing-right-back-out-into-the-dating-game. In fact being uncomfortable with your own company is probably a good sign of that you are not ready to be with someone else. If you don’t stand you, why do you expect someone else to? I don’t pretend to have inner peace (please! hah!) but I can enjoy afternoons or days with just myself. I LOVE going to the movies on my own, or exploring the city, or just having that strange, lonely freedom which is known as not asking someone else what ought to be the next step.
Your turn. What do you guys think is good help to heal the break-up wounds? What should you avoid in a break-up? What do you enjoy about being single? What sucks about it?