Shiny and New

I know I write a lot about new things and changes. The reason why is simple. My life the past month or two has consisted of new things and changes. And like most other bloggers, I write about what mostly affects me in my life right now. So here’s some more of the above mentioned.

 

Remain

I love this place. At first when I stepped inside my newly acquired humble abode, it was empty, echoey, blank and bland. Slowly the space is getting filled, first with visions, then the physical manifestation of these visions. My flat-mate and very good friend and I seem to have the same ideas for the common rooms. French farm-style in the kitchen, Chinese in the hallway, Moroccan in the living-room, tons of lights and plants on the balcony. The half-bath is becoming Japanese, the bathroom itself fresh and contemporary and chrome and shades of blue and green. My bedroom will turn into something I have long wished for; a cloud. An oasis for thought and peace. White upon white in numerous shades, thin fabrics, fluffy blankets and pillows, pictures in black and white. But all in time. First we need someone to come here and repaint the walls. Before that I need to call this person. Before that I need to find the time and remember to do so… This has been what my life has looked like for a little over two weeks. Endless to-do-lists. One thing gets done, another thing gets added to the list. I really should make a physical list this time because for once there are so many things I barely have room for them in my head! But one day, our little home which is now still rather bare and incomplete, will get turned into a magical wonderland of culture and style, ensuring that whosoever enters will leave thoroughly confused and bewildered about where they have been.

Do

Of the hair kind. Once upon a time I had never done more to my hair than trim it every few months. Last year in the fall I started off gently; first a nice sort of red, then taking a step further and moving towards the blond but never quite reaching it, then dark-brown to counteract that though that faded rather quickly, leaving room for roots and then some lighter hair where the blond still would not give up. A few months back, after about half a flask of tequila and a lot of convincing my lovely friend Sarah to take a pair of scissors to my head, my hair got a lot shorter than it’s been since I was probably 3. The bob-cut with bangs that I had been dying to try for years and years was finally mine! Upon returning to the Swede-land and growing tired of my lighter tips, it’s now a solid dark-brown, and will probably stay that way until the tips of my hair give up and I win the war. There is also the matter of clothes. I gave away as much as I possibly could when I left Canada, knowing I couldn’t possibly bring all that on the plane and hoping that someone would love my clothes and knick-knacks the way I had (well I loved them but I certainly didn’t take good care of them!). To my great dismay, 4 large sacks of my wardrobe from years ago awaited me upon landing. So after going through that and discarding of nearly half, I am now wearing the clothes that I didn’t have much time to wear before I moved to Canada, and so despite how long ago I got them, seem new to me. The “white-period” will have to come at a later time.

Learn

Oh gosh where to start! Being home-schooled (or unschooled if you will) I never truly learnt to learn in the way that people normally learn. I just absorbed information or went out to hunt for it. I was never asked to sit down and shove information into my brain in an ordered manner. Well, if we don’t count the time that I took a beginners course in Chinese, or when Phil so kindly agreed to teach me some French. But now! Books upon books especially written to help me study things, teachers demanding things handed in before deadlines, the books I need not coming to me so easily, the teachers not being so organised or clear on what they require, me writing e-mail upon e-mail to get to my books and my teachers… ah. What can I say. It is both a frustrating, exasperating experience and some of the most fun I’ve had in my life! I feel so challenged, so invigorated with this whole new thing! I actually enjoy doing the school-work and the exercises, I love doing them well and handing them in on time and doing my utmost to reach whatever goal is set, and pass it if I may. I am so scared that I will fail or not do good enough, so worried that my lack of book will be frowned upon by the teachers, so worried that my classmates will find me dreary or high-brow, and that my preconceived knowledge in both English and Swedish will make them hate me for taking the courses at all. I already got to correct the English-teacher on how to spell “tires” (actually he asked me to write it with a “y” on the board since he was convinced it was supposed to be a “y” so I just got up and did it, knowing that it was wrong. And then he got to figure it out for himself afterwards. It gave me great satisfaction to know I was right and yet not throw it in his face. I mean I totally could have but I resisted the evil temptation!). I have great hopes and fears regarding this my education. Only time will tell.

Be

I am learning to be with myself again. And with friends. And new friends. And strangers. Mostly, I am learning how to be alone and be fine with being alone, and be fine with being with others too. I am getting more at peace with life in general, not because life is peaceful but because I focus on the sensation of peace. I get happy over the little things, and when I feel the sadness welling up inside I stop myself and start focusing on something else. I won’t pretend I don’t get stressed, or sad, or angry, or frustrated. All of this things I experience on a daily basis. I just think I’m getting more conscious about them, and this in turn helps me handle them better. I am also slowly diminishing my judgement of others, and learning that there are so many ways to live, not only isn’t there a right way, there isn’t a wrong way either. Of course there are still some basic things that appal me or upset me, but after the initial sensation I try to stop myself and consider what it would be like if I’d been in that persons shoes. If I find that the answer is I would never under any circumstances be in those shoes, even if they were cleaner or say, yellow, then I will probably go ahead and judge, or at least have negative feelings regarding whatever action or word the person has uttered which previously upset me. But in most cases I realise, there is no possible way I could judge, not when being human is to err, and we only learn from our mistakes, and that what one person might see as a crime or betrayal another just sees as an inevitable part of life. Above all, I am very slowly, hesitantly, softly… moving towards forgiving myself for my mistakes, and understanding that certain things are not wrong, and that if something feels right then that’s probably because it is. And I’m being more ok with not being perfect for every second that goes.

What about you? How do you feel about your home and surroundings right now? Have you made some positive changes to your demeanour that makes you feel different? Are you learning something new that you’d like to share? Are you being kinder to yourself?

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3 thoughts on “Shiny and New

  1. As always… I love you.

    I liked this post a lot, seems a lot more positive than the rest you’ve posted since returning to Sweden! I am glad that your surroundings are cheerful, there is nothing like moving into a new place and making it yours to chase away the blues (or embracing the blues, I have a very blue apartment). I hope I get to see the inside of your new nest someday! School also sounds terrifically fun; as predicted, you’re already kicking ass. Just goes to show you don’t need formal education to succeed in life, you just need the desire to succeed and to learn! So proud of you!

    I love my apartment. Dave and I just signed lease #3 the other day and I couldn’t be happier. Rent has gone up, but I just couldn’t leave this place until its “time”. We’ve made this our home and it definitely feels more cozy and homelike than almost anywhere I’ve ever lived. As for changing or feeling differently… I definitely feel more grown up and responsible of late. I’ve stopped thinking of myself as weird and outside the bubble and am slowly learning to integrate myself into the bubble. I have a very hard time connecting to other people even on a superficial level, so its a challenge for me. But for the first time in my life, I sort of feel like a normal person… whatever that means.

    Anyways, this is far too long. I apologize. I love and miss you, my sweet. Keep on keeping on!

    P.S. You need to read MY blog someday 🙂

  2. Very nice. You can tell your English teacher from me, that your English is much, much, much better than the majority of the people born here. And I’m glad you resisted the urge to make him look a fool; it says a lot about the sort of person you are. Speaking of which: I’m really humbled by your outlook on life, regarding mistakes and the way others behave. One of the major problems in my own relationship is that I live with someone who seems completely incapable of seeing things from someone else’s perspective; whether that be Asylum Seekers, Political Parties, Religious factions, or simply people who cut you up at road junctions. I can’t tell you how tiring (not TYRING) it is to have to play Devil’s advocate all the time with a person who seems determined to hate everyone.
    So… well done you!

    Before I go… Sierra: I was always a weirdo; at school and I still am. I find it very hard to interract with “normal” people, and almost always end up making an idiot of myself. Eventually though, I found a world into which I fit perfectly, and I find myself wondering why I never discovered it before, and thanking The Great and Powerful Atheismo, that I never tried too hard to “fit in”. We are who we are! Making excuses for it only caused me to start losing respect for myself, which only makes those situations harder because you become convinced that other people are right to single you out.
    These days, I embrace being different with every single fibre of my being, and I hope you do too.

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